It’s been a while since I wrote something personal on my blog. Apart from my Goals for 2018 post, I haven’t really shared all that much about what’s been going on in my life lately. I don’t really like sharing personal things on social media where it’s up there forever and everyone can see it. I’ve always been told ‘once you share something on the internet, it’s there forever.’ Bit drastic, but true. But it’s good to share once in a while, so here’s what’s been going on in my life recently.
Growing up doesn’t become scary until you realise you are growing up. I turned 19 on the 9th of February (Aquarius baby) and it kind of dawned on me that I am really growing up. I’ve turned into a woman and I am no longer a teenager anymore. I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I look around and compare myself to my peers.. I feel like a mess. Everyone seems to have it all together, and if they don’t they pretend they do. I’ve never felt truly satisfied with my life since I started college.
6th year was a rough year for me. I lost friends, put myself under enormous stress because of exams and just never took time to take care of myself. My mental health was the worst it’s ever been, and I wasn’t taking care of myself the way I should have been. For most of 6th year, I didn’t have many friends due to a big falling out, so I felt so lonely. I thought college would fix that, and that I would meet new people and feel less isolated. And it did, but not as much as I thought it would. I’ve made great friends and I’m grateful for them, but I feel out of place sometimes. It’s hard when you have friends that are not in the same group. It’s easier when you have a clique and you all know you are all similar and relate to each other. I am always myself though, even at times where I feel like.. maybe I should just conform and change myself to fit in better. Change how I talk, how I come across, what type of music I listen to, my views on life. This would make things so much more easier because I would feel like I belong more. But I could never do that, because this is the way I’ve been all my life and I remind myself how stupid that would be.
It must be why so many people change when they come to college or are in a different environment with completely different people. They don’t want to stand out like a sore thumb. I feel like this is holding me back. My expectations of college were that I was going to be more confident, ‘get rid’ of my anxiety and be happier. I feel like college has made this worse, made me more self-conscious of the fact that I don’t really relate to anyone here or nobody really knows the real me because I’m scared to show it. If I can get past this barrier, and stop thinking about what others think, I’d be happier.
I thought it was just the setting and where I was in life. It took me awhile to realize it’s me. Not my surroundings, not where I go to get my education. It’s about how I take life. I will never conceal my real self to please others ever. What if I did try and be fake, and the right people for me walked right by me because they thought I was someone other than what I am. I will continue trying to better myself and working on the things that matter to me most.
I’ve said how my mental health throughout secondary school wasn’t the best. My self esteem was really low and I found myself looking for things in my life to establish my self worth. The wrong things. Like boys, grades, material things. I know now that I don’t need these things to validate myself. That’s what I’m trying to avoid doing in college now. I’m trying to stop myself from thinking like that anymore. Mostly because it’s not healthy and also because it’s important. Okay yeah, having a boyfriend is nice and having brand name clothes are cute and getting good grades are fab but there is more to life.
I understand now that in order to truly grow as a person I need to realize that these things do not define me as a person, nor my self-worth. I have so much more to look forward to and in a few years time I’ll look back and think I put myself down because of that?! So silly!!
Like I said, I thought that things would be different for me by now. I thought I would have had everything more together. I felt a bit lost. But now that I’ve acknowledged these things, where I was going wrong, I’m so much more at ease.
Not everyone has it together all the time, and life cannot be planned. Things may not go your way all the time, and if they do, then great! I need to learn to accept things for as they are and work through them and learn how to overcome situations I’m put in. I make the mistake of bring myself down when something goes unplanned and thinking well great, everything I’ve worked so hard for is ruined now. I feel like laughing now at all the times I’ve picked myself apart over minor things that went wrong. I guess I am a perfectionist.
Things can never go the way you want it to all the time, and if you are on a path, it’s for a reason.
To end things on a positive note..
Things are looking up, and there will always be down times in life. You just have to keep going and never give up on yourself. You’ll find your place someday.